Necklace or a Nice Little Home?

To say that I was slightly derailed by the inauguration of a maniacal idiot as the president of our country would be the understatement of the decade. My apologies for the lack of posts! Now that I’ve gathered a modicum of composure again, it’s time to get back to the important things: places you could buy for the price of the Tiffany’s $2M necklace Jessica Biel wore to the Oscars.

In my humble opinion, it’s a bit much with a gold dress, but I’m no Hollywood actress. What do I know? (And was it just me or were a lot of the women trying to BE an Oscar?) Anywho, were you in the market for something worth two million dollars you could opt for this Whispers of the Rainforest number above, or one of these humble abodes below.

Flushing, Queens – $1,950,000

Sure, you’ll have a bit of a commute to get into the city from Flushing, but with a 2-car garage, 6 bedrooms and 6 baths will you care that much? Maybe not.

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Park Slope, Brooklyn – $1,095,000

You could literally fall out of your front door into the train from this sweet little 2-bedroom in Park Slope. For the price of a half a necklace you get to be around the corner from the best donuts in the neighborhood and have your own private roof deck and working fireplace. The hammock is probably negotiable.

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Financial District, Manhattan – $1,649,995

If an eye-popping amount of space in the Financial District is more your speed, you could get this beauty and pocket $400K for vacations or whatever. And if you’re looking to make a little money on the weekends, rent out your living room as a cool roller skating rink if you want. Only one bathroom, though, so you’ll probably have a line if you’re serving drinks.

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Washington Heights, Manhattan – $1,625,000

Alternatively, you could own a slice of actual history and have a legitimate claim to a piece of Alexander Hamilton if you bought this Sylvan Terrace townhouse. The secluded mews was originally part of the Morris-Jumel estate which we all know was the home that Aaron Burr’s one-time wife Eliza (not Hamilton’s Eliza) owned. And as we all also know, Aaron Burr was the angsty little vice president who did not throw away his shot in a duel with Hamilton. They’re rarely on the market, so scoop this up. Or buy the necklace. Whatever.

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Red Hook, Brooklyn – $1,900,000

I’m a total sucker for Red Hook and if you are, too, this former garage/carriage house that has been restored to perfection could be yours. It has huge bay doors in the front and three beds and baths. While it may be a little susceptible to flooding if and when there is another catastrophic hurricane (our new president says global warming isn’t a thing so maybe there’s no point in worrying?), it oozes modern charm.

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Maybe I should email Jessica and tell her she and Justin could be east coasters if they want to swap that precious bauble for one of these babies?

Weep All Your Tears Into This Tub

When I schlep to Fort Greene Park to partake in communal outdoor space because I have none of my own, I often stare dreamily at the row of brownstones that line the north side of the park and fantasize at how lovely it would be to live in one of them. Not only would your view be of sexy soccer players on the dirt patch, er, lawn and the Prison Ship Martyrs Memorial (which you should totally read about and wonder like me, if the highest point in the park is that high because it’s built as a funerary mound – 11,500 Revolutionary War dead were buried there after they were removed from East River – or if it’s just a hill) BUT ALSO! because I could just open my front door and boot my kids out to play across the street until the streetlights come on.

158 Washington Park is one of those brownstones and it is for rent. The whole damn thing for one family or you and your four best friends (4 bedrooms! You split $7,150 four ways and it’s a steal!). You see those two massive Chesterfields snuggling up to that working fireplace? This house makes them look small.

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You can cook on this massive stove and not bump elbows with whoever’s chopping onions for you. Your dog can sit next to you begging for scraps and you will not trip over him when you make a step in either direction (*this claim cannot be verified. Maybe you have a terrible dog?). Had a tough day? Step into your clawfoot bathtub:

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STAHHHHHHHP!

Whatever. Here look at the stupidly spacious bedrooms that you can use for yourself and your very small children (which you can somehow afford at the same time as affording this house) and one thousand of their friends. Plus a bonus floor plan to make you weep.

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158 Washington Park, photos via Corcoran

Not a House for Mere Mortals

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There are houses for normal people with uneven floors, mice that live in the walls and closet-sized bedrooms, then there are houses like this one on Grace Court Alley. This is one of those houses you see and you wonder who the hell lives there. I’ll tell you who: not you. Not me. People who live here eat ambrosia – the real Greek god kind, no the Jell-o and Cool Whip kind – for breakfast, lunch and dinner and they never get fat. They buy new underwear when all the pairs they own are dirty and just throw the old ones away. They have Netflix accounts of their own and don’t even share the password with all of their family members. This is not a house for mere mortals.

Grace Court Alley is in Brooklyn Heights and it looks like a set of what you imagine quaint New York City looks like (Forgotten New York has a deep dive if you want to read it). It’s a movie set of itself. Cars may drive down this alley sometimes, but only the cars that pull into the private garages of the homes here. Anyone else who drives down it immediately thinks to themselves, “Oh god! Oh god! What did I do? I DON’T BELONG HERE!” At one point in time this alley was just the entry point for the stables that belonged to the real showpieces of the neighborhood. But now, most of us would kill to live in the stables of those houses. Because now they don’t look like stables, they look like this:

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Son. Of. A. Bitch.

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Can you imagine eating cereal in your t-shirt and 13-year-old comfy pants one morning in a room this pretty? Well you’re not allowed to. Those pants deserve to be put in the trash just like a pair of single-use underwear. And just forget about sunbathing on this deck or watching the snow gently fall from your glass-enclosed reading nook, ok?

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But maybe you’re a fancy person and you’ve got $10M to spare (up 270%!!!! from its last sale in 2011). If so, 6 Grace Court Alley is the place for you.