Necklace or a Nice Little Home?

To say that I was slightly derailed by the inauguration of a maniacal idiot as the president of our country would be the understatement of the decade. My apologies for the lack of posts! Now that I’ve gathered a modicum of composure again, it’s time to get back to the important things: places you could buy for the price of the Tiffany’s $2M necklace Jessica Biel wore to the Oscars.

In my humble opinion, it’s a bit much with a gold dress, but I’m no Hollywood actress. What do I know? (And was it just me or were a lot of the women trying to BE an Oscar?) Anywho, were you in the market for something worth two million dollars you could opt for this Whispers of the Rainforest number above, or one of these humble abodes below.

Flushing, Queens – $1,950,000

Sure, you’ll have a bit of a commute to get into the city from Flushing, but with a 2-car garage, 6 bedrooms and 6 baths will you care that much? Maybe not.

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Park Slope, Brooklyn – $1,095,000

You could literally fall out of your front door into the train from this sweet little 2-bedroom in Park Slope. For the price of a half a necklace you get to be around the corner from the best donuts in the neighborhood and have your own private roof deck and working fireplace. The hammock is probably negotiable.

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Financial District, Manhattan – $1,649,995

If an eye-popping amount of space in the Financial District is more your speed, you could get this beauty and pocket $400K for vacations or whatever. And if you’re looking to make a little money on the weekends, rent out your living room as a cool roller skating rink if you want. Only one bathroom, though, so you’ll probably have a line if you’re serving drinks.

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Washington Heights, Manhattan – $1,625,000

Alternatively, you could own a slice of actual history and have a legitimate claim to a piece of Alexander Hamilton if you bought this Sylvan Terrace townhouse. The secluded mews was originally part of the Morris-Jumel estate which we all know was the home that Aaron Burr’s one-time wife Eliza (not Hamilton’s Eliza) owned. And as we all also know, Aaron Burr was the angsty little vice president who did not throw away his shot in a duel with Hamilton. They’re rarely on the market, so scoop this up. Or buy the necklace. Whatever.

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Red Hook, Brooklyn – $1,900,000

I’m a total sucker for Red Hook and if you are, too, this former garage/carriage house that has been restored to perfection could be yours. It has huge bay doors in the front and three beds and baths. While it may be a little susceptible to flooding if and when there is another catastrophic hurricane (our new president says global warming isn’t a thing so maybe there’s no point in worrying?), it oozes modern charm.

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Maybe I should email Jessica and tell her she and Justin could be east coasters if they want to swap that precious bauble for one of these babies?

For $48.5M I Better Get a Butler

Whenever I play the “where would you live in this city if money were no object” game, the West Village is always at the top of my list. I imagine early morning strolls through cobblestone streets to get my latte and a perfect pain au chocolat, saying hi to my neighbor Jake Gyllenhaal along the way. (This is my bedroom, Jake! Just in case.)

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This place is nothing like the “little” townhouse I imagine for myself in that dream life. It’s a glass mid-rise with never-ending views of the Hudson River, which I guess will do. The kitchen is a bit tiny, but if you have a personal chef (which I assume you will), who cares? You’ll probably never set foot in it.

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What really won me over about this place is this bathroom (one of TEN). That soaking tub alone would do it if it weren’t ensconced in a million-dollar, glassy view, but the fact that they’ve got a CGI armchair in there really did me in. Imagine having the time, money and space just to have a seat in your bathroom! Though the towel rack is a bit far from the tub, TBH.

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While you do get your own private, 27-foot pool foot on your sculpted outdoor space, I’m a little annoyed that this place doesn’t come with a full-time butler. Because at $48,500,000 (I just had to stop to count zeros) I really expect a butler.

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And if I’m being picky, which I am, the master suite is a bit far from the other bedrooms. I mean imagine if your baby wakes up in the middle of the night! How will you ever get to them before dawn? Though, I’m probably thinking like a peon here. The night nanny will handle that. But still! What if!

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Who am I to judge though? If you’ve got $50M dollars—or $191,000 (estimated) a month for a mortgage—to plunk down on a West Village penthouse and you can deal with running a marathon in the middle of the night to your children who are so cold and lonely, then more power to you. Tell the brokers I sent you their way.

160 Leroy St, Penthouse North, pics via Elliman

Not a House for Mere Mortals

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There are houses for normal people with uneven floors, mice that live in the walls and closet-sized bedrooms, then there are houses like this one on Grace Court Alley. This is one of those houses you see and you wonder who the hell lives there. I’ll tell you who: not you. Not me. People who live here eat ambrosia – the real Greek god kind, no the Jell-o and Cool Whip kind – for breakfast, lunch and dinner and they never get fat. They buy new underwear when all the pairs they own are dirty and just throw the old ones away. They have Netflix accounts of their own and don’t even share the password with all of their family members. This is not a house for mere mortals.

Grace Court Alley is in Brooklyn Heights and it looks like a set of what you imagine quaint New York City looks like (Forgotten New York has a deep dive if you want to read it). It’s a movie set of itself. Cars may drive down this alley sometimes, but only the cars that pull into the private garages of the homes here. Anyone else who drives down it immediately thinks to themselves, “Oh god! Oh god! What did I do? I DON’T BELONG HERE!” At one point in time this alley was just the entry point for the stables that belonged to the real showpieces of the neighborhood. But now, most of us would kill to live in the stables of those houses. Because now they don’t look like stables, they look like this:

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Son. Of. A. Bitch.

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Can you imagine eating cereal in your t-shirt and 13-year-old comfy pants one morning in a room this pretty? Well you’re not allowed to. Those pants deserve to be put in the trash just like a pair of single-use underwear. And just forget about sunbathing on this deck or watching the snow gently fall from your glass-enclosed reading nook, ok?

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But maybe you’re a fancy person and you’ve got $10M to spare (up 270%!!!! from its last sale in 2011). If so, 6 Grace Court Alley is the place for you.